My name is Jaide, Im 33 years old, and this is the story of my first pregnancy/ birth -

I became a doula at the age of 24; and have been a total birth geek ever since- so I have been eagerly awaiting the initiation into motherhood for nearly 9 years, if not- my whole life; I’ve always wanted to be a mother; to nurture….This pregnancy was unplanned, but our son was consciously conceived; A month before he came into my womb space - my partner and I were working at a craniosacral retreat in up state New York, and decided to be “non-efferent” in our lives- to stop willing things to be, or not to be; but simply to be, neutral; specifically about things we have previously been quarreling about- which was the timing of making a family- and finding a home. To surrender to the divine timing that creator willed; and stop trying to do things or avoid things, according to our schedule…we would be flexible and free and see what the universe had to offer us:: the ovulation period following my next bleed- after camping out by the river- we went swimming and made love on a sandy bank beside the rio grande; And had “baby making sex” (which we rarely do) I knew that moment, that we had probably called in our spirit child…..

The following month, when I was a day late on my moon cycle; I knew for sure…as I am extremely regular and in tune with my body. My partner had just left to attend the annual rainbow gathering, out of service - so I had to keep this news to myself for an entire week! It was difficult to process alone; but necessary for me to really sit with in my body; I was overjoyed & scared at the same time….I drove up to the ski valley to go hiking with a friend, who I had shared my news with and she insisted that I confirm it with a test, which she brought with her: and I peed on the stick outside of her car on the side of the road near the rio hondo river…when the two lines emerged, I screamed so loud. - it echoed throughout the canyon, so that all the creatures Of the forest could hear! ….I was pregnant….I had taken tests throughout maidenhood - never a positive one- it was shocking and surreal… when my partner got home, he had gifts from the gathering for me - and I said I had a gift for him too: I had wrapped the test in a scarf; he guessed it was a new toothbrush…when he opened it- his mouth dropped open- he looked absolutely shocked- then walked towards me/ started crying.. I started crying…” this is my life’s purpose” he whispered…and that was that…
Our little dream home came shortly after ….one that my friend and birth keeper, Olivia, had lived in and two of her 5 children were born there; one of them in the tub..”
- The surrender to what is, without trying to will things into being- is what brought our dreams to reality -

I had a wild pregnancy - it was textbook; I felt the call from early on to really go inward- I was rather introverted and didn’t go out much or hang out in big groups of people- I made my inner circle small, in this big community we have; and I felt good about it. I went to two births during this time; both in hospital: and felt strongly that I could free birth my baby at home with my partner…

At 38 weeks, I went to a cacao/dance ceremony; and visited an elder witch in my community, for the wisdom I knew she would offer me ; as I was sitting on her couch eating a piece of cheese- she was visited by a Comanche road man, from taos Pueblo - and told him I was with child, and to offer me a blessing. He fanned me off with cedar and smoke from the kiva, spoke prayers in Tewa over my belly; and I thanked him many times… the next day I awoke - and lost my mucous plug upon standing out of bed…

I knew it could be days - if not weeks, still / before giving birth; so I attended an all day course I had been invited to, as a resident doula In my community; on postpartum & infant care - by a visiting doctor from India. It was informative and felt very divine to be there; I was the center of attention - as the midwife’s assistant and other medicine people in attendance: referenced my large belly; as If the information was being directed at me specifically…I remember walking out on the deck overlooking taos mountain on lunch break- and feeling like I had eaten a small amount of mushrooms- there was just a psychedelic glimmer in the air; and I was still kind of leaking fluid now and again ever since the mucous plug came out…I felt certain I would go into labor when I got home. The class was from 9-5pm and right as the clock struck 5 - I had my first contraction…and it began to rain…another sign from the cosmos; as thunder beings had given me our child’s name - lightning sage- when we got stuck in a thunder storm on the Mesa at 7 weeks pregnant- I knew I’d give birth during a storm of sorts…

I drove home: and to my surprise - the winds had picked up- the rain was getting heavier; and there was a perfect rainbow right over our house- a good omen/ the thunder beings were dropping him off on a rainbow - I thought….

When My partner got home; I told him I was going into labor: and we needed to clean the house- so we cleaned and danced and I would stop every now and then to vibe out the period cramp like sensations.
He asked if we should stay up late and see if they progressed. I told him we should sleep if we could; because it could be two years before we slept through the night again…

I slept downstairs as not to disturb him because I wanted him to have energy and be strong for the labor…I didn’t end up sleeping and got in the bath tub to soothe my mindbody: the anticipation was really getting me!

In the morning; he asked if he should stay home or go finish this project he was working on- I felt like being alone; and the rushes were still far apart and cramp like- so I sent him off; and labored at home alone all day; drifting in and out of sleep by the fireplace; and waking up when I could feel an earthquake like tremor or a crashing wave- move through my body…that beginning stage of labor was so elemental; I felt Mother Nature opening herself to me, opening me- the rain had turned to snow - at one point the fire went out; and I had texted my thread of sisters at my blessingway that labor was beginning - and to light their candles for us; which had all been lit, at our ceremony, on Imbolc- by a mother candle that I believed had st.bridjets flame; I was getting cold but couldn’t muster the energy to bring the fire back; and soon after some candles were lit by my community members from afar- the fireplace roared back to life, my sister witches keeping me warm; magic is real and sisterhood is a gift beyond place and time….

it was a full on blizzard by the time my partner had returned home from work…
We ate and talked and prepared for a night of laboring…

Another sleepless night of contractions; and me laboring in the tub, in the dark, while he slept to prepare for active labor: I smoked a doobie of ganja, blue lotus, rose petals, catnip, and Damiana and fell into a deep trance where I no longer felt pain; rather just a sensation in my womb - and was communing with the Great Mother, who was my midwife - and listening to her wisdom teachings for me. She required the maiden “die”, and that I repent for all the judgment I have passed on people, women, specially mothers- that we can never know the reasons, divine karmic relations: tying all things, events, and people together; and that to pass judgment is to pretend that we know better than God- was to pretend that we know anything at all/ and was keeping me from my higher self; a higher vibration…(which is funny, because my son detests gossip of any kind) :::

In those early stages/ my partner brought me fruit and yogurt, cacao & cactus tea/ and kept me hydrated; but if he came within 3 feet of me / my rushes went from sensations to painful contractions / this was the solo part of my ‘descent’ or ‘ascent’/ and I would tell him “ you gotta back up babe” which he obliged to, and was very patient & kind with me…
I chanted in the tub and mediated for several hours, listening to whale songs- until I felt the need to get out of the water so my labor could progress.

At that point the rushes intensified: /‘ and everything got pretty psychedelic- without hallucinations - I went from needing space to needing him there with me in every moment; I was getting nervous: I couldn’t tell up from down : it was a full on blizzard outside / and the pain was becoming unbearable…at one point I was convinced it was twins and the first one was coming out breech because the pain in my back was so excruciating - the next 13 or so hours looked like this…begging him to squeeze my hips and crying out to the goddess divine to have mercy on me/?’ That I would be in divine service to her if she kept me snd the baby alive; we cried together- praying to creator- for safety and protection… I think I was going into shock because I became alarmed that something was wrong but knew there was no way out of this/ and he assured me everything was fine/ that this was birth/ he told me could hear the shores of home, that our baby was coming; and that he would fan me off at midnight…
We continued to labor into the night as my moans turned to screams..I got back into the tub …
Around 10:00? or so I felt this strong & urgent need to be witnessed by a woman. I remember my medicine sister/colleague had texted me intuitively earlier in the afternoon to check in with me…. I asked my partner to call her to come to witness me. She came shortly after and I didn’t even register her presence, sitting quietly - cross legged on the floor next to the tub - until she finally spoke. “Breathe deep, scream through your yoni…” I turned to her( without a greeting) … “I can’t breath” (while clearly breathing And speaking) “help me! Please!” Looking to my partner “take away the pain!” They wouldn’t let me give my power away; always giving it back with affirmations, without flinching - “you’re doing this, you’re intuitive, you’re doing it.” Or if I asked, which I did repeatedly, “is this real?” “Am I dying?” They would say; “ you’re not dying, this is normal…” and I would feel the strength to get through another rush.

My screams had turned into breathy sounds that resembled huge waves breaking on rock cliffs, volcanos erupting, whale song, deep earthquakes at the center of me - and I was bearing down…at midnight, my partner brought in eagle feathers and reported that as he moved them over my body, i twitched and arched my back; my friend reported the energy in the room shifted ; he looked into my eyes and nearly stepped back; “whoa…your iris is completely golden (I have blue eyes) and there’s a moving 3D spiral in your pupil down into you…” - I wasn’t merely entering the portal, I was becoming it- and 30 minutes later- our child came earthside. It was all intense and “in my butt” as they say- when I finally felt the ring of fire; I screamed it into the room, “ring of fire!!” And I felt like I would tear into a million pieces if I went further…but I knew- even in my delirium - that there was only one way this baby was coming out- and that was through: I pushed down with everything muscle in my body and felt the head come out…I was on all 4s- “reach down and grab him” they said…”no” I replied…”minerals, catch him.” - only his head was out but his eyes were already open- he came into this world, in observation - with the sight….I was in total shock, like nearly debilitated; every birth I’ve been to; I’m always thinking when the head comes out - ‘this is so incredible, how do they do it!’ And here I was, doing it myself/ it was too surreal—// I was soooo done!! “can you take him out of me?” -(lol) / no” was the reply….I had to push him out the rest of the way; so I continued to push - into and through the most pain I’ve ever been in;! And I felt his body slip out into my partner’s hands…’Just one baby’, I thought : “thank God! I couldn’t do it again” - he handed him to me and I sat back in the bloody tub / he was baby blue - eyes open: I felt so calm, I rubbed his back gently and gave him the breath of life, with a sweet kiss on his tiny lips…he turned pink and let out the sweetest sound I’ve ever heard; that pterodactyl like screech!!

I couldn’t believe it, we had done it. The whole pregnancy hit me at once, there really was a baby in there, I just birthed it- oh! My god! We have a baby!! Wtf, those emotions are so beyond reality when they hit you like that. Looking down, “a boy!” A baby boy…the tub was blood red and “smelled like poop” my Partner said - “we can’t know how much blood you lose if you stay in the tub” so I stood up, and like fell out of the tub…my partner had gone to stoke the fire for me to sit by- and my left foot was twitching to get underneath me…my sweet medicine sister and birth keeper, the badass she is- literally dead lifted me to standing position : and i waddled to the living room- holding the baby to my belly- placenta still attached; I was sooo exhausted- it had been 55 hours total:..”I need to birth the placenta “I told my son - and the wooden bowl was placed beneath me. I squatted and pushed- gave birth to that life giving jelly fish : and then took the bowl with the placenta and the baby; to our Tucket in the living room; and laid down….
Breathing deeply, orgasmically/ like I had taken ecstasy, eyes wide open: I gazed at this little being…
Hours later, when I needed to sleep- I handed the baby to my partner ; and the chord was totally lifeless and white and hard to maneuver around- so we tied it off and cut it with sterile scissors : and Minerals took the baby and slept with him on his belly on a sheepskin on the floor the rest of the “night” while I rested on the tucket…
At that’s how our son came into the world…

It was the craziest ceremony I’ve ever taken part in, and the wild part is- you don’t sit through the night and then go home afterward, back to your life- it is just the beginning, the ceremony never ends; and you never go back to the life you had before…

I’m so in awe everyday of birth, the body, babies and their high intelligence and sentience; I’m so grateful for this blessing, and so devoted to my son. What an honor…